He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
