when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
