Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Are we still banned from the library?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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