I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
