im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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