I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
