Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
