did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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