Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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