half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
