How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
