...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
