trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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