I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
