Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
