I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
