well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
