dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
