I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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