I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
