He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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