What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
