mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
