On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
