She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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