i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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