I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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