Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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