I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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