Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
