You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
