i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
