i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
