You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
