you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
