Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
