So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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