based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
