I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
