i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
there is glitter all over my balls
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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