There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
