Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm going to jail i love you
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
