You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
