Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
