Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
