So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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