seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
