bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
