how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
