If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
