Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
